A couple of weeks ago would've been a friend (almost brother's) 22nd birthday.. a couple of weeks ago I broke down in my kitchen after realizing what that date meant, and that I was pissed and sad and had never truly learned to grieve a death until that very minute.
I was raised to be "strong" and I dealt with death from a young age, in fact starting at age 10 to 12 I lost four people, two friends and two family members.. so I mean hey it was normal to me. My mom had told me to be strong for others, that sometimes its better to not cry. I love my mom, and her advice, had she not told me that she never cried at her own dad's funeral... I would've thought she was nuts, but she's the strongest person I know. Since then.. its been a whirlwind of losing friends either to dumb circumstances or murder.. which never makes you feel okay... to suicide.
I found out M had killed himself in July, a vibrant kid, full of life.. I'd dated his big brother for almost four years and we were going to get married.. till I wised up and remembered I had much more important things to do (like be awesome) for four years of M's life, I was basically a constant person. I saw the ups and the downs and by the time I broke up with his brother and called off our wedding M & I were not on good terms. This is the first time I've really written about this situation, and the things I've learned because of and since have shaped me into the person I am.. so I don't regret anything except one thing. In February of 2011 I was sitting on my computer when M added me on facebook, at first I thought "great, here is someone else to come bitch at me for something that happened years ago" but instead he messaged me saying the following: "I'm sorry for how I treated you and hope that you forgive me" I casually chatted with him, asking about life and all that.. he said he was glad I'm happy without his brother, and that it hurt their family that I decided not to go through with the wedding.. but I couldn't take back any of the hurt. I said I was sorry, that I hope everyone forgives me.. that everything is going well.. the last time I talked to him directly was in April.. only two months later he was dead.
When I saw a family picture, sans M, I figured I'd better message his sister and say "hey, what's goin on" and she told me he'd killed himself..
a kid, whose faith in God was greater than one I'd ever seen (aside from a pastor or his own mom's) killed himself... and the crappy part is that I can never know why, I'm not that close with his family and I sure as hell don't want to pry.. but I hope they know how his life affected me and others. When A asked why I was crying, I let him know, and I said I wanted to just shut off this feeling of hurt, betrayal and total sadness/fear... he said that would be dumb. I needed to feel these things, I needed to know I could grieve how you're supposed to.
All I can ever think is.. I should've messaged him more, gotten his number to call and talk to him.. someone should've been there, someone should've seen the signs or something and then he'd be here and probably be the biggest pain in the butt ever, but he'd be here. Suicide is a cowardly way out.. it shatters everything, everyone around it.. leaving unanswered questions and truly pisses me off. I think he was rude and thoughtless in doing that, even if he was in pain.. living is so much more beautiful than dying alone and depressed.
I want to know why, I want to have his life back and I would like to never experience this pain again.
